I don't own an alarm clock.
My husband has one. On his side of the bed. That plays soft sweet IPod music. (sissy.) (Oh wait, I bought it for him.) MANLY.
But there is absolutely no point for me to have one. I sleep through hitting the snooze over and over. I could care less about whatever is that I'm supposed to be getting to on time.
True story - in the Army I could fall asleep on the firing range. During firing. (We had to take turns. When it wasn't my turn, I slept. I swear.)
So yeah, I hate mornings. I'm crabby. I can't get out of bed. Nothing ever feels as good to me as my sheets at the crack of dawn when I should be getting up.
My kids usually take care of the rousing me part early in the morning. I lay there and wake up slowly while Josh is in the shower, the kids fighting and clawing and crawling all over me. Me stuffing my head under the pillow wishing for fivemorepleasegodjustfivemore.
Then the sing songy "I'm hungry!" that means I'm going to have to be responsible and feed them entertain them until Josh is out of the shower to do it.
Anyway, you know that little alarm clock that will roll all over the room so you have to get up and chase it? It's supposed to wake up the repeat Snooze Knockers like me more quickly?
The concept is brilliant and I've thought about giving it a whirl, but I just came up with a better idea.
I call dibs on the patent (or whatever) if someone else makes it.
Are you ready?
Here it is:
I swear, I bolted upright and caught vomit in my hands before any hit my way-too-expensive-to-have-kids-sleeping-under-it duvet.
I know. Disgusting.
One more thing that no one tells you before you have children is that one day you will catch puke, crap and snot in your hands at some point in time.
Maybe simultaneously.
I mean, they're worth it and all, but still... hardens up your guts, ya know.
Anyway, that was probably the fastest I've awakened EVER. And I still had to YELL Josh's name a couple of times and scream FOR A TOWEL QUICK!
Anyway, a different tip that I use if I know I absolutely have to wake up early (and this one doesn't require puke recording sounds):
I drink A TON of water before I go to bed.
By morning, my bladder hurts and I have to pee so bad that I have to wake up.
Feel free to thank me for all the free tips....
hope your weren't knee deep in a bowl of oatmeal when you read that puke part.
If so, {sing songy} sorry!
78 awesome people had somethin' to say...:
too funny, its soo true though, i mean really WHY god WHHHY did you give us the mommy instinct to reach our hand out to catch these disgusting bodily functions.....its rediculous....makes no sense...but because we do, this would def do the trick!!!!
Oh my God! Hilarious!!! I don't wake up when the baby starts crying, but I can hear her cough or gag from mile away while I'm in a medically-induced coma.
I've caught puke and poop, and I've had to pick my baby's nose. Motherhood is soooo glamorous!
YES! Oh so very true & you've nailed the delivery! Really, though - who gave us this instinct & why us & not daddy?
The pee thing is my way. I'd rather be woken by my bladder than my child hurling his cocoa pebbles all over....ewwww! (yeah, we did the cocoa pebbles - all over the bathroom. All. over. RUN! Oops...)
Yeah, actually I was in the middle of a lovely late dinner just now. Thanks for that visual stimulation. But I agree...there's just something about a child losing it that springs you into action. I hope your baby feels better soon!
Worries about puking/choking baby used to keep me from going to sleep.
That is so true. I love my sleep. I used to lay there why The Boy cried just to see if my husband would get up if I waited long enough. He would say, "I know you're awake. It is so your turn."
The sound of impending puke. I am UP.
I actually want to hear more of these Army stories!
And I'm with Mrs. R. Babycakes and I would see who could fake sleep the longest through a crying spell.
I have never been woken by puking sounds, but I have bolted out of bed and the loud thump of children hurting themselves. Luci fell over in her chair at breakfast last week while Nate was....umm....paying homage to the coffee God's in the bathroom. She was fine, but my heart was racing, and then I was mad to be awake.
LMAOROFL- Great post and so right on the mark! I know what you mean because I love to stay cozy in my bed too! What we moms catch in our hands should be for the record books! I like your idea and I think it would work. LOLOL
OH YEAH, that would get me right up...oh gawd..my gag reflex kicked in when I read it!
You made me laugh out loud this morning!
I totally didn't see that one coming... which explains why I shot water out of my nose.
Thanks for the laugh at your expense. I am sure my kids will return the favor sometime soon
GREAT IDEA!! That would sure fire wake up any mother!!! I'll buy the first one!
I think you would make MILLIONS with that alarm clock.
Seriously.
oh yuck. i really wouldn't want to wake up that way.
another idea is to have your dog retching violently. That wakes you up. Know what else works? When you jump up to the dog-retching, only to find that she is also trying to shit out the rope dog toy she ate yesterday, AT THE SAME TIME as the retching. Wow-gets the blood flowing.
I use the full-bladder trick, too. Whatever works, right?
Also, very, very cool that you were in the Army. Thank you.
So true! Nothing will wake you up faster than the sound of your child puking. Thank you.
haha... ;you are just too funny... thanks for the call... it's so lonely being semi-retired
Girl don't you know that expensive duvets don't compute with motherhood? And you are so right - that sound would wake up every mother I've ever known! Hilarious post. Blessings, marlene
You. Are. Brilliant.
I would totally buy that....
For a friend. NOT for myself. Wakes me stinkin' up too.
OMg, warn the pregnant lady about this post. Gross!! Then again, if it helps get me out of bed....
I've caught any number of bodily fluids in my time. Precious memories.
LOL! Yummy!
When I was a teen I had an alarm clock that was shaped like a baseball and to turn it off you had to throw it at the wall. It was awesome!
We are kindred spirits my friend. I despise mornings.
True story: (I'll try to keep it short) I was all worried one day about something happening to me while I was home alone with the boys. So, I asked them, "Boys, what do you do if mom is asleep and you can't wake her up?"
The response: You be REAL quiet.
I laughed. I have caught all of those things and your child about to vomit in your bed does wake you up faster than anything. lol
Before you had children could you ever EVER imagine catching someone else's vomit in your hands? It's amazing what you will do for them!
I have no trouble waking in the morning. It's the little face scarily close to mine saying: "hello mummy" in a really creepy voice that does it!
That is the best alarm clock idea I have ever heard. EVER. Yes, I too have caught a poo as it slowly descends from my child, caught it in my bare hands. I told the story to a group of friends once and the one without kids looked shocked and horrified. Hm. I wonder what was WRONG with her?
Actually come to think of it, I have my own three-year old alarm clock.
He USED to be able to wake me by whispering "I've got a poo Mummy."
But that doens't have the same urgency it used to. Unless it's followed by, "My nappy's leaking and I've got poo on my toe."
In which case pretty much anything could have happened, and it's worth your while to GET UP.
I think I would totally love to be awakened by that instead of a slow, long, continuous whine the way I been woken up the past 3 mornings!
I used to work in the nursery at a daycare - you could tell the workers who were mom's versus those that weren't. We were the puke catchers.
Love it! Those are great tips!
What gets me out of bed, some days, before my kids is knowing that's the only time I'm going to have to myself--quiet--all day. Usually I just say screw it and snuggle deeper into the covers until the "I'm hungry" song begins.
Seriously...manufacture this, get Billy Mays to sell it for $19.95 and throw in a, "BUT WAIT!" add-on product and you've got infomercial gold. And a lot of revenue.
Just sayin'.
hoping over from SITS.. OMG.. i know that feeling all to well. icky. but yes the more u drink before bed the more u have to pee in the AM. hurts like H E Double Hockey Sticks but it works.
Hey SITS mama! You're too funny. I'm not a morning person AT ALL either. Not even sure if the puke would do it for me. (kidding, kinda)
Here from SITS.
EWWWW thats just nasty. LOL Got to love having kids though.
Love the puke catching story. We've all been there...well, kind of. I stored my nice duvet in a closet and put on a cheap, easy to wash comforter, because my boys are in my bed all the time...and so is the dog...
Oh dear!! I think we have the same morning ritual with the kids climbing on you and clawing at you until you gwwt up.
Another thing that'll get you out of bed right quick is when you son informs you your dogs butt is bleeding all over the carpet... Sorry, that's from my blog post yesterday.
I am not a morning person either so I am sure that your puke alarm would work great for me. My plan is to try to learn how to sleep through kids jumping on me. I let you know if I am successful.
LOL !!! That so brings back memories. :-)
These days it the sounds of one of the dogs about to throw up that sends me flying out of bed. I have the leap, scoop and out the door thing, down to a fine art!
I haven't had to catch vomit yet...the one time Z got the stomach flu this year he was at his Grandma's. I'm sure my time will come.
I'm with you though, the Army made me be able to sleep ANYWHERE!
My husband and I fight over who gets up if it is the middle of the night, but I love the quiet time in the morning if I can manage to get up before the girls.
And I have to add, I have done all the bodily fluid catching thing. . .it doesn't translate to other poeple's children.
GENIUS! PURE GENIUS!
I, too, struggle to get out of bed in the morning (it really is a terrible way to start the day). I think your invention would work wonders for me!
That is SO true. I can be dead asleep and if I hear puke I am up and running. I mean, they are in the next room and I wake out of a dead sleep! Great idea. Moms would buy it for sure..
You have me laughing! And as a fellow mother, yes, I have caught all three in my hands also.
You DEFINITELY have something here. :)
Thankfully, I already had my oatmeal before reading this. Ha ha. What a funny story. I wish I could sleep in the morning like you do. I hear one noise and I am wide awake. Even when I can sleep late. It is a bummer!!! I am picturing you asleep in the firing range and that is LOL funny. Thanks for sharing.
Oh, man, I'd buy it.
Luckily, I've never had to catch any of that in my hands from my kid.
My cat on the other hand....
Okay...I'm laughing out loud as I'm typing this!
YES! You are a genius! That is so darn true. THIS is the stuff that needs to be in parent books. Ha ha...too funny!
Loved the "hardens your guts" bit. And you were in the Army? Awesome.
Been there. Mine usually wake me up at 2am though.
I haven't even had the chance to read the post yet but I had to tell you that the banner at the top of your page is advertising vomit ringtones. Heh... Do I WANT to read the post?
This happened to us once, but mostly to my husband. We were sleeping on the floor in the living room on an air mattress (the busy person's version of camping) and he woke up to "Daddy... Daddy..." He sat up in JUST enough time that he missed his head being puked on. Ugh. gross. Bleh.
yummin' in from SITS! tasty post~ ;P i think the catching bodily fluids is a little too motherly for me. maybe i just don't have anything nice enough to sacrifice my hands for...hmm...i need to go shopping
now that was a stroke of genius
I'm a morning person....no alarm clock necessary... I'm annoying as hell...
The water idea works pretty good.
I've never had young children, so I've never gotten to experience the JOYS of catching unmentionables.
Lucky you!!!
Why is it that our first reaction is to catch it in our hands? Seriously? We will still have to change the sheets because it is bound to end up on them...but every single time, I hold out my hands.
I'll never forget the day i crossed over to being a total and complete mommy, with no chance of being any trace of my old self ever again... My oldest had been up puking all night and the first round landed in his bed. I had thrown all the sheets and blankets into the washer and when the cycle was finished, i opened the lid to find bits and chunks of freshly laundered hot dog all over the wash tub. Without a second thought, i reached in and picked them out one by one, and kissed my former prissy self goodbye.
Great idea! Although rather than having the instinctive "throw up catch" down I tend to automatically dodge it. Does this make me a bad mom? You'd think it'd make me a cleaner one, but somehow I still manage to get thrown up on almost every time. Go figure
You are too funny! I could just imagine you sitting up fast to catch that vomit. It's probably a good thing I didn't know all the things motherhood would involve.
Oh yeah, it is utterly amazing how there is some perverse maternal instinct that has us reaching for the rapidly spewing bodily emissions. :P
I try to avoid the uncomfortably-full-early-morning-bladder issue whenever possible, myself, but then again, I'm usually up before 6am. (This means I'm usually asleep before 10pm - such a scintillating life I lead!)
Hilarious post, glad I was directed to this saucy blog! :)
SO funny and true!!
My DH is very hard to wake, so I 'm always the first one to take care of sick kids in the middle of the night.
Cap'n, you ARE saucy! Great post!
I don't think I signed the waiver at the hospital to catch my daughter's poop, so maybe I'll check out the return policy for the little bugger. For some reason I won't wake up to my child's cries, but hearing the cats vomit (on the computer keyboard, no less) wakes me instantly!
Love your patent idea for an alarm clock! I am so glad to know that I am not the only goddess of snoozing (if you weren't meant to snooze, then WTF does an alarm clock have one??). Every single morning I hope for those almighty 5 more minutes. . .
Puke has been projectiled on me. I have been bled on by my daughter's chin. But I must say, I have managed to escape getting pooped on. I know I'm a parent - but that kinda freaks me out. I mean I used to throw away Allie's outfits when she was a baby if she had huge blowouts as I knew there was no way I could manage to bag them without getting poop something and there was no way that a washing machine could save them. ..
I could sleep through puke. That's what spray n wash is for. Now the sounds of farts, that's another story. Nothing will get me out of bed faster than hearing my husband let one rip. It's just plain self defense.It's get up or suffocate.
Probably my most favorite comment of the day on this one:
"AFRo: True story: (I'll try to keep it short) I was all worried one day about something happening to me while I was home alone with the boys. So, I asked them, "Boys, what do you do if mom is asleep and you can't wake her up?"
The response: You be REAL quiet.
Good answer boys!! Good answer!!
hahaha! that catching puke in your hands part about made me fall out of my chair laughing hysterically because it's TRUE. maybe that little fact could be a form of birth control. don't do it, seriously don't, unless you are ready to catch puke in your hands.
You got to do what you got to do to save your furniture. ICK! :)
LOL! I am also unable to get up in the morning. Chronically, habitually, miserably unable to get up on time. I NEVER sleep better than I am right when that blasted clock goes off. This morning, I was so rebellious I slept right through it for the first half an hour. I was 20 mins late to work. Sigh!
Funny...I'm not a mommy, but I've had the joyful experience of doing all those things. I think your idea is ingenius! :)
Ok, I feel like a moron. I posted my comment but then I wasn't signed in and now my comment isn't there, so I think maybe I dreamt it? Long day!
Anyway, I'm with you on puke sounds wrenching you out of bed. But no kids are allowed into my room, as I prefer to not to do puke under any circumstances :)
that is the kewlest clock i've ever seen! my husband totally needs that!
LOVE the idea, I wont steal it, I will just be the first to buy one!
Jacki
SITS sister
Yeah, that totally would wake any person up quickly!
I must say though, I don't think I'd buy it. I'd be too afraid to ever fall asleep for fear of that sound. :)
I have monkeys at my house too! They seem to have an inate sense of when I am so tired and I slept like crap-that is when they seem to jump the hardest! Bug me the most and aabsoulately drive me crazy!
I still sometimes can sleep through it!
The throwup sound-genius. You really should make a mom alarm clock-sell it and make a million!
Found you from SITS, we just joined a few days ago!
The perfect alarm clock for any Mom is her child..we usually use our cell phones as alarms (well my hubby does) I don't need one though because my 16 month old starts either screaming or singing when he wakes up in the morning, depends on his mood and I can hear this from his baby monitor. I'm up on average every morning anywhere between 5-6 am, so my alarm clock is called "Gabriel". LOL
Trying. to. catch. my. breath.---laughing. too. hard......
Don't forget that in addition to catching puke, poop, and snot--you will also be repeatedly bit and peed on too! :) Ahh...motherhood!
And what's this about you being in the army with a weapon? From your profile pic--you look like you should be on an Avon catalogue cover, not shootin' stuff ;)! Very cool though!
I nearly pee'd myself reading this...as the mom of three toddler boys very, very close in age...most people think their triplets...I often felt like I bathed in bodily fluids. My husband used to wake me up when he came home from work in the middle of the night to tell me he was home...ummm, HELLO! I'm sleeping here! He soon learned if he valued he life not to wake me unless it was a life or death situation. I sent my sister a link and her reply was "you mean you didn't write this." I hope it's all right if I put a link on my blog...hopefully we can get more people to pee their pants, spit up whatever their eating/drinking etc. If it's not ok, just let me know and I'll remove it.
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